my services

I am also a toilet installer, light-fixture installer, I catch and release spiders and professional YouTube watcher. I can confidently say I can squeeze into my daughter's crawl space as long as no-one is watching me look like a beached whale coming out of it.

I’m also known for driving my daughter’s car through the car wash. I know how scary that can be, but as I always tell her, “Never fear—Dad is here.”

If I was the last person to touch the project, I get full credit. No exceptions

I often receive an eye roll when I offer advice to my kids but I will proudly offer unsolicited advice whether you ask for it or not.

Preferred topics include:

• Haggling a car salesman: always push for unreasonable prices, a full tank of gas, and a fresh car wash.
• Blasting the AC with the front door open? We are not cooling the outside.
• Taking all of my wife’s attention away from me? Absolutely forbidden.
• Basic grill knowledge? Forget the advice. Let me just do it for you.
• If you are a parent and need me to talk to your child about getting an oil change, let me handle it. Trust me, I’m a pro.

I am currently offering free services only to my kids. They are simply too fragile to take on such daunting tasks.

Please do not request my services if you:

1. Have a CO₂ sensitivity. I am a gassy man.
2. Don’t like the movie Fun with Dick and Jane.
3. Take naps during the day.
4. Body shame me.
5. Think a lawn can survive without my personal supervision.
6. Expect me to follow instructions. I do things my way.
7. Can’t handle unsolicited life advice. I give it freely.
8. Are allergic to hard work or excellence.
9. Think the thermostat should ever be above 68°F.
10. Expect me to let anyone else touch the lawnmower.
11. Expect me to share the glory. I take full credit for everything.

No-one-helps policy strictly enforced.